01 “made me cry” — 10!!!!!!!!!
02 “it felt like falling in love” — 10!!!!!!!!!!!
03 “that was cute” — 5, which would have normally been lower, except that we played so terribly that i don’t entirely blame this person for having nothing else to say
04 “these sf kids get this old timer up and a-pop lockin’, a-rockin’, a-shockin’” — 8 1/2
05 “will you play my sweet sixteen” — 9 1/2
06 “you guys remind me of avril lavigne” — 2
07 “i didn’t know you could play guitar” — 5
08 “you are my new favorite band” — 10!!!!!!!!!
09 “after listening to you guys i simultaneously felt the urge to call my best friend crying and to go downtown and throw rocks through the windows of all the banks” — 11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 “my mom loved it” — 9 1/2

i made some of these up and you’ll have to guess which ones

too many words to fit in an insert to our future tape cassette so here are the lyrics in case you want to be able to sing along. if you want to know what a song is about i’ll tell you if you ask me.

I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I
it’s getting late i’ll throw another cup of coffee back and feel the floor shake as the N passes down the track sleep is for the dead and i want to stay awake with you instead when i wake up throw another cup of coffee back self-loathing’s easy yeah i’ve got it in the bag and i don’t want to just pass the time i don’t want to waste it

GEOGRAPHY LESSONS
it doesn’t have to be so geographic your goals may not be tangible but we can map it in the spaces between the days and in the different ways that we can find to straighten our spines it doesn’t have to be so geographic if we search in the corners of the pockets of the things that we’ve neglected we’ll track it down light as a feather you’re blown away by the thought that anyone who doesn’t know you would want to but i want to i want to get to know you

POTENTIAL WAYS OF LEAVING
when i close my eyes the coast is clear i need a car because the coast is near but it still feels far away get caught in the current get lost in the bay and swim with aching arms until they finally fall away get caught in the current of your desperate days pedal fast somewhere south and get lost on the way my home is a construction zone

EUGENE HATES COFFEE
at the very least at least we know the kinds of things to live for at the very least at least i know you’re a good thing a great thing to live for something happened and i’m not quite sure how but my heart beats for you now something happened and i’m not quite sure how but i’m not complaining doesn’t it make you nervous to know this is the furthest west we can go well i guess it’d be best if we pack up and go well i’m not complaining as long as you show

IN THE MIRROR
in the morning are you alright put on your shoes don’t tie them too tight go to work go back to bed replay it over in your head wonder where you went wrong and in the morning you will wake up scared change your outfit 20 times tuck your hair behind your ear look in the mirror one more time and the walls are closing in where do we begin to leave a place like this and the roof is caving in you yelled at me to save myself so i did keep an eye out for the exit i want to grow up to be tall keep an eye out for the exit i want to grow up to be strong in the mirror we look like the same person our reflection’s so full of flaws

SEARCH PARTY
i’ve arranged a search party i lost my mind somewhere along the line i’ve arranged a search party i’ve been careless with this broken heart of mine i’ve misunderstood my own metaphor so many times before you speak of the weight of the world and i nod like i’ve felt that before and if you find a missing piece from whatever’s left of me will you please just hold on to it for me i’ve arranged a search party i lost my mind somewhere along the line yeah i’ve arranged a search party i’ve been careless with this broken heart of mine and you need a heart beat to breathe you need a heart beat to feel anything i want to feel everything i don’t want to lose myself under the weight of all the decisions i didn’t make and the words i didn’t have the guts to articulate

CONSPIRACY THEORY
whats the matter should i pretend to understand where you’re coming from well it’s a matter of head and heart one’s in the right place and one’s got it wrong and you’re too proud to save face a quality i didn’t inherit and you’re too loud would you please quiet down everyone can hear all of your mistakes and they’re running through my veins it’s a long train of thought and it’s a long road that you’ve walked down but i don’t want you let me down

DRIFTAWAY
i got your package in the mail the weather’s nice here but it’s getting stale and i’ll come visit you when i’m able to i’ll send you something in the mail my job is steady and my heart’s for sale and i’ll tell you more about it when i’m able to no matter where i go you’ll be gone i went to new york in time for new fall before the winter or the spring thaw well in new york i hear it’s snowing and i fear you’ll disappear under it all maybe i’ll driftaway with the fog no matter where i go you’ll be gone

STRAIGHT THRU THE HEART
it’s probably true that i should stop saying the same old shit to you but you know i never take any good advice on my back on my bedroom floor i could be any age that i’ve been before that’s how you know it’s all still the same and i’m so easily influenced by a well-crafted sentence so i started reading all the words that you’ve written and i’m so easily torn apart you gave me bad advice i took it to heart yeah i took it straight thru the heart straight to the heart of matters i’ll look you in the eye because that’s what matters

SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE
let the tips of your fingers freeze over you’ll regret it when this is all over let the whites of your eyes glass over we’ll need this when we’re older another birthday another year another birthday and you’re still here for me so here’s a rain check a rain coat this winter’s gonna be wet a postcard a blueprint of the home we’ll have next fall after all of this is over it’s gonna get better something for someone somewhere something for you

buy a guitar amp* instead of a mattress, continue sleeping on the floor

*buy (the wrong) guitar amp

emotional stages of recording your first full-length album:

01 delusional levels of excitement
in the days leading up to recording, indulge in unrealistic fantasies that recording will solely be fun and easy and that it will consist of zero mistakes, pizza, and beer and will probably be the best weekend of your life.
02 enthusiastic and optimistic preparations
wake up from a good night’s sleep with a good attitude and drink coffee determinedly. head to practice space (or “studio”) armed with: guitar (don’t want to forget that one); snacks; disposable camera; backwards hat to feel cool; and more coffee. feel that with these supplies, everything will surely go flawlessly.
03 fluctuating levels of frustration
primarily regarding technical difficulties and (seemingly endless) re-do’s that are mostly your fault.
04 onset of exhaustion
about 2/3 of the way through recording you experience the onset of exhaustion, at which point you find yourself wishing to get through the remaining songs as quickly as possible. standards lower. you smell bad and the coffee is wearing thin.
05 depression
upon the realization that the songs, thus far, don’t sound very different from a fuzzy tape-cassette demo, and that they bear little to no resemblance to any “professional” album you have ever heard. question song-writing and guitar-playing skills. act increasingly sassy to band mates.
06 anxiety
upon recording vocal tracks, during which you have to sing in to a silent room while band mates stare at your back. super awkward.
07 returning sense of competency and ability
about 1/3 to 1/2 way through recording vocals, feel a returning sense of competency and ability after minimal voice cracks and finally hearing vocal tracks on the songs.
08 something akin to satisfaction
upon finishing the “recording session,” go home, eat chinese food, and listen to the songs on repeat. start to feel pretty good.
09 returning excitement and sense of accomplishment!
as songs are being mixed/mastered/whatever by band mates, they sound better and better and you realize they are great. you are excited and even proud and can’t wait to play the songs for everyone you know.

Important notes to self:
01 feign confidence and hope it will somehow materialize when you need it
02 listen to the same songs on repeat, bask in their glory/rely on their poetics for reassurance, apply everything you hear to your own life like someone out there really understands you
03 always stand in the front row
04 only listen to fast music OR if you must listen to a slow and sad song, listen to it very loudly